Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain)

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST MAY NOT BE THAT FUNNY AND IT IS KIND OF LONG. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED, AS A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER, TO READ. SIMPLY SAY, "OH YEAH, GREAT BLOG" AND I WILL AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME YOU ARE A LOYAL, LOVING SUPPORTER OF MY FIGHT AGAINST THIS DEADLY ILLNESS, WHO READS ALL OF MY POSTS EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT SITCOM-FUNNY. (Have you no shame?) 

Well, today I began my second cycle. Andddd what a day it was. I arrived at the treatment center around 9 AM. As soon as I got there, one of the nurses took some blood to do a blood work-up. Then, I waited for the results. I waited for a very long time. Keep in mind these results were pretty important because if my WBC count is still too low, I might have to delay my treatment for an entire week. This really unsettled me because if my treatment was delayed for one week, it would push everything back and I might not finish in time to go back to school in the spring. It would just make everything more complicated. It would also be incredibly mentally frustrating. I had spent all last week mentally preparing for a full week of treatment. To push it off for a week can really mess with someone. My results came back around 1 PM and my WBC was still too low, but it wasn't low enough to make my doctor want to delay treatment (get down witch yo bad self!). Unfortunately, I didn't leave the treatment center until 4:45 PM. Yeah, it was a long day...I guess now I should talk about some of my emotional struggles with cancer.

First there is the struggle of having cancer. That's pretty tough in itself, seeing as this disease has killed so many before me. THIS IS SCARY SHIT. My body is supposed to be working with me, not trying to kill me. My body is being all, "YOLO, let's go out with a bang, baby!" And I'm trying to calm it down saying, "No, come on, body. I have plans. I want to be a doctor. We have to do things during these years!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that every twenty-something-year-old has this notion that they're invincible, and I was certainly one of those people. And to have that stripped from me too early on can be pretty devastating. These are the years that people play rugby because there's really no reason not to. Because, "There are just as many injuries in soccer as there are in rugby," a line I used to recruit players all the time. By the way, if you don't know me, I do (did?) play rugby for the Cornell Women's team since my freshman year of college. Having played other sports my entire life, but not rugby, I thought why not? Well, after cancer I now know that I am not immune to disease, injury, or death. So...why not play rugby? Because shit happens. Shit like this...

Now, that doesn't look too fun, kids, does it? Poor guy probably doesn't even know where he is with a head injury like that. Anyway, I know my teammates are reading this thinking, "Well JFogs (my rugby nickname), we all really miss you, on and off the field, and you've played with us for so long. How are you supposed to come back to Cornell and not play rugby?" HAVE NO FEAR, MY FELLOW TEAMMATES, I am not saying I won't play (I haven't decided yet--sorry in advance!). I am merely addressing the fact that US TWENTY-SOMETHINGS FACE DEATH JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. Pretty frightening, huh? That was a pretty big tangent about something we all already know...

Emotional struggles, right. I guess I could sum up my emotional struggle in a single text that a very good friend sent me this morning before I began my second cycle:

"It's okay to not want to go, it's just not okay to let it get the better of you. The world tests us in ways we never expect, whereas before it was Cornell, you've traded that in for something that's a lot more real. But just because it's of a different nature doesn't mean you should approach it any differently. Think about last semester when you got your physics final grade back [I killed it!], or 2 summers ago after doing Insanity for 2 months [It killed me!]. That's what you recognize as personal victories, because you worked your ass off for something you wanted and finally got it. Neither of those came easily and if they had, they wouldn't have felt as good. This is no less of a personal victory. Getting through EACH day of this is an active personal victory. And you have to work your ass of for it. Even when you feel like you're just sitting there having a million things done to you, you're working for it, physically and emotionally. Sometimes we need something like this to tear us down so we can see what we're made of, and then we can begin to rebuild. Every semester you've had to deal with shitty tests. This semester, this is yours. That doesn't mean you're doomed to fail. It means you need to work your ass for it. It means you've done it before and you will do it again."

Now, I know what you're thinking...wow, that's a pretty long text. Obviously, I didn't think that because I'm a five year-old and every time I get a long text, I'm like, "Oh, a present!" Anyway, let's focus on the content you, Debbie Downers! This was the kind of motivation I needed to hear. My Dad doesn't know it, but I spent most of the drive to the treatment center crying. I miss my friends my so much. I miss being at school and having the freedom to go to a crowded place because my white blood cell count isn't of concern. I miss playing rugby. I even miss having classes to go to and material to learn. I just miss living my life. Not to mention, not only am I not living my life right now because of cancer, but I'm constantly doing things I hate doing. Like sitting in a treatment center for 8 hours, receiving drugs that make me feel like dog poop. This stuff is pretty depressing and it's hard waking up every morning and motivating myself to be positive. But this text most certainly helped. And my struggle has really helped me appreciate the cards I've been dealt. I don't know how people fight cancer for years in the hope that they can one day beat it. Like I said in my past posts, the cure rate for my particular type of cancer is really high and that's only after a few months of treatment. I got it good, guys. This is nothing in the grand scheme of things. As my mom would say, "It's just a little hiccup." I'm probably going to go back and read this text from time-to-time. It's a big nudge in the right direction.

AND NOW...FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. My hurrrrrrrrr. I have some bad news though. After I cut off my pony tail (protocol for donating to Locks of Love), too much hair had fallen out that the only hairstyle that I could sport was the ever popular...........................MOHAWK. Tattoos to come this weekend! I am still taking suggestions. 

Here are some photos from a photoshoot with my professional photographer, Sizzle. We've been working on projects together for years now. He says that I'm a natural model and my bone structure is enviable (Sizzle was taking his lunch break when the following photos were taken).

Smize/Duckface/Smuckface???

Thug lyfe<3

Oh no, I think I pulled something

Is my eyebrow high enough? Hmm, I don't think so.

IIIIII don't think this could get any creepier

Because I love my readers so much... 

SO...that was the most embarrassing thing I have ever put of myself online. But I do it for you guys. I do it for the fans/I wish I had fans. I also wish I wasn't so de-socialized from being home for so long. There is no way that photoshoot is okay to post online. It wasn't even okay to have the photoshoot. I should have waited for Sizzle to finish his lunch first. To be honest, I did this for myself. Losing my hair was a really, really difficult process for me. Before it started falling out, I had planned to not show my bald head to anyone. But I wanted to post these goofy pictures of myself to embrace my hair loss and hopefully serve as an inspiration to anyone who might be going through something similar. My mohawk is something I never had the guts to actually do and right now it's helping me give cancer the middle finger. I'm having a blast beating cancer, and I'm not going to stop.

Peace&Blessings, 

Julie

P.s. I've committed social suicide with these photos and that .gif.