The Things That Suck

Yes, I know what you're thinking: "Who is this blogger that doesn't post for weeks and then posts twice in two days?" It's me. I'm the blogger. I begin my last full week of treatment tomorrow and I thought this might be a good time to talk about all of the things that suck about full weeks of treatment. If you're reading this and you are looking for something to read that makes you feel jolly about life, please leave now. Also, why would you look at a cancer patient's blog? That's sickening and inhumane. If you're looking to read something while you're down in the dumps about a bad break-up, or your lack of motivation for starting a workout plan, or if you're just curious about cancer, READ ON. I will explore some of the things that suck about the full weeks of treatment of a chemotherapy regimen. Enjoy.

1. I wake up everyday at 7 am. Because of the steroid I get on days 9 and 16, I usually sleep from 4:30 am to 11:30 am. So, you can imagine the misery I feel on Mondays of full weeks when I wake up at 7, having fallen asleep only several hours before. It's almost as bad as the all-nighter I pulled before my biochemistry midterm last fall. Or the all-nighter I pulled before my biochemistry final last fall. I guess they were both equally miserable. The lesson here is that if you can pull off a good grade when saving your work for the last minute, then continue to live your life that way. Wait, no. That's not a good lesson. I don't even remember what I was talking about. Man, I'm glad biochem is over.

2. The treatment center is an hour away. Okay, I guess I have no reason to complain. Some of the patients that go to my treatment center travel 2 hours to get there. I can't imagine their full weeks of treatment...Either way, the travel time REALLY sucks. I'm just so sick of being in cars even though I can count on one hand the number of times I've driven in the past 2 months. My chauffeur also has really bad taste in music. KIDDING. I don't have a chauffeur. Well, if that didn't make me lose a large percentage of my readers, I don't know what will! BADAM CHICK!

3. I spend 4+ hours in the treatment center everyday. Yes, everyday. What do I do, you ask? Well, I watch ABC. First there's "LIVE with Michael & Kelly", which is something my old roommates used to watch anyway, so it's not so bad (shout out to the old roommates). Then there's that cooking/talk show thing with Rachel Ray. While we're on the subject, I really don't think America should have given Rachel Ray a talk show. I just don't understand it. She already had her whole cooking thing going for her. Unless her talk show hosting skills surpass those of Oprah's, then she should have just continued to teach us all how to make meals in 30 minutes, because the talk show portion of her new show just isn't doing it for me. Nonetheless, I still watch it. Why, you ask? Because there is absolutely, positively nothing else to watch on the other 5 channels. After Rachel Ray's gig, there is the View. Sometimes it makes me laugh. Sometimes. After the View I usually pass out for awhile until I'm done treatment. Before cancer, I had never really seen any of these shows. I would like to announce to everyone right now, because I know you have all been wondering: YOU ARE NOT MISSING ANYTHING. I repeat, NOTHING IN THESE MORNING TALK SHOWS WILL CHANGE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. At best, they are background noise. I'm sorry if anyone really likes any of these shows. You can message me and we can battle it out there. Or here. I don't care. I'll stand by what I said. You know, I used to read throughout the entirety of my treatment, but now I'm too tired or unable to focus enough to read for that amount of time. Chemo has ruined me.

4. My inconceivable amount of trips to the bathroom. Yep, I'm being serious. Because the chemo drug, Cisplatin, affects kidney function, the doctor gives me a diuretic to help my body flush out the drug. Not only do I receive a diuretic, but the nurses hang up a big ol' bag of hydration. So I make many, many trips to the bathroom about an hour and a half into treatment. About every 5 to 10 minutes, actually. I might as well just post up in the bathroom with Netflix. Oh wait, I can't because THERE'S NO INTERNET. Oh, I didn't mention that before? Yeah, you might as well just leave me here to die. Ahem, okay. I'm done complaining. 

5. My loss of appetite. During full weeks I usually have a small breakfast when I get to the treatment center, something small when I get home, and then if I even think about food for too long after that I might vomit. So I usually don't think about food. It's been working well for me so far.

6. The sleepiessss. I pass out on and off all day, erryday during full weeks. I become undependable, unreliable, un...awake. Let me put it this way, I probably won't answer your texts or calls. When I do, even my text is slurred. And my texts already don't make sense WITHOUT the chemo. Don't even try to imagine it--you'll hurt yourself.

7. FIVE.LONG.DAYS. Last, but not least. The thing that sucks the most is that even though it is only just a week, it is a long, hard week. And I dread every second of it. BUT, if this is, in fact, my last full week of treatment, this week's end will feel so sweet. So, let's hope for an alpha-fetoprotein level of 0!

Okay, so I couldn't even come up with 10 things. Obviously, my life isn't all that bad.

FINEPRINT: I hope everyone who reads this understands that I am kidding. Yes, chemo treatment sucks, but it is a small price to pay for the good health that will result from it. Not to mention, my family and friends and readers that I have never met have been an AWESOME support system. I use this blog to make fun of the situation I am in and I hope it's fun for anyone who reads it. If at any point you are sick of my fake (real, but I don't want to be annoying) complaining, please do not feel obligated to continue reading. It's not like I've been dealt a really crappy hand or anything. It's not like I'm sitting at home alone with my dog all the time, just waiting for someone to come hang out with me. It's not like I've spent the past 5 weeks on a paint-by-number because I'm not good enough to make my own painting. Yeah, it's not like that. So don't worry, I'll be fine here all alone, by myself, laughing at my own jokes on the blog I write for myself.